Myworldmylifeok's Weblog

myworldmylifeok — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 13:14:56 +0000

Just want to be friends, the story of my life…

why???

myworldmylifeok — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 12:33:46 +0000

why do i feel like this, why cant i escape this torcher, why dose every thing i touch turn to rust, why cant i just be content, why am i not allowed to be happy, why is it im such a freak and so repulsive, why do i feel like im destind to feel this way till the day i die, why do i always go round in circles, why cant i die the oregon way,why why why why.

repressed emotions are toxic to the sole..

myworldmylifeok — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 14:56:34 +0000

just another day

myworldmylifeok — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 09:39:02 +0000

Sat here again, thinking the same old stuff and the best way. I can’t wait for the day it finally happens my only wish now I wish it would hurry up and be done with.
Going round in circles like this is no way to be, every step i take is the wrong one, and if not now it will be soon. I can’t be like this anymore, Iv had enough.
What the hell is wrong with me, this isn’t right..soraly, these aches and pains are making me feel even weaker, my head hurts, my neck aches and my back kills, I feel sick, lost, confused, like a lil boy in the woods alone at night.
I know and can see now there’s no future for me in this world, no part for me to play, I believe what ever my task was Iv done it, and now its just a waiting game.
like iv said before I aint waiting around in this hell forsaken place, iv got my own hell to deal with I just wish it wasn’t so frowned upon doing a d.i.y job, sorely its up to the individual whether or not they want to do it and as far as other peeps are concerned what the hell as it got to do with them, I mean people are quick to judge and criticize other peeps, if they put the same amount of time it to judging criticizing them self’s this world of yours would be a better place.
Iv just got to wait for one of two things to happen, a sertan person to pass away or get sent to jail ether way that’s my green light out of here.
Every day that’s passing I can feel myself growing weaker and weaker, feeling more drained as time ticks on.

Living With Me And This

myworldmylifeok — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 23:19:57 +0000

Imagine a world without colour, a world were everyday is the same, a world were nothing changes, a world were your controlled by your emotions and your constantly alone and don’t belong, welcome to my world.
Everyday as its challenges and its regrets, I regret waking up everyday and feel like it’s a challenge just to get through it. im controlled by the war rageing in side and by my emotions, which can make me look moody, shallow, self-centered, a creep, negative, needy and high maintenance just to name a few, but im not, im just a guy who’s lost. its hard to explain what go’s thought my mind because there’s so much going on. emotionally its a none stop roller coaster with no breaks which all leads up to a life of loneliness and constant torcher.
Theres a saying ” if you find your always disappointed in life, then you setting your dreams too high” what if you’ve only got one dream, to feel special and wanted, that’s not asking a lot is it?.
Everyday I seem like an up hill struggle as I go round in circles even thow I try my hardest not to.
I hate these feelings their unpredictable, one second I feel on top of the world then the next im rock bottom, some days I feel more content shall we say and it may last a day or two but the longer it go’s on the bigger the come down so to speak.
Iv been told by the quack that there’s hope in getting better and with time patience and the right situation I could get better, yeah right the longer it goes on the more I want to end it. it’ll gonna take one hell of a woman to put up with me, don’t get me wrong im not a bastard and im not take take take, I give what I get if not more some times, ive been told im too eager to please which makes me look desperate apparently but yet again im not. All I want is my kids and a open-minded woman, some one who’ll listen, be there if i need her to be, someone who wont take me for granted or a fool, someone I can trust 100% with everything because some of the stuff i want to do in life needs trust and nothing less will do hence the open-minded woman. I know I can be hard to live with some times, iv hated living with me for nearly 20 years now but im not a bad person im just seriously misunderstood.
I’m a one man judge Jorey and executioner a danger only to myself on self destruct mode, im sick of being stuck in this hell, this prison, and can’t waste to escape it one way or another.
my world that seamed so big and bright has slowly crumbled away in to darkness leaving an ocean of misery and im struggling to keep my head above water in more ways than one, it’s getting to the point were im getting too tired to swim and can’t see much point.
Every night I hope I don’t wake up but every morning im disappointed, I wish I could explain in one word how empty, lost ,confused, alone, scared, terrified, isolated and worthless I feel but I can’t.
its cold pitch black and a lonely place to be, iv learnt not to go near the light and turn the other way because that just leads to more pain and torment. this is no life to live, this isn’t living its existing at it lowest form ie..wake up, survive, go to sleep, but that’s some thing iv got to live with. I don’t care if it hurts I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul, I want to be “normal” and content for lack of a better word.

To be continued…

The silence is so black

myworldmylifeok — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 22:48:53 +0000

The silence is so black and your still there, I cant see you but feel you im sure, I hear your whispers and your tournts your destructive comments too.

Me and you are one in the same and at the very least ment to be mates. This war, this rage, the torment and this torcher this impending doom as got to stop and go away.

We’re stuck with each other to the end and on each other we can only depend, but you hate me with vengeance and me you x3.
what got us here? why we let us go down this road? why do I listen? and why do I care? coz every time iv ever need you your never there.
Your bitter, your cold and your literally making me ill and make me sick, just look at what we’ve been through and look how far iv dragged us.

The proverbial ball is now in your court, im far too weak to even care any more and im more than ready to knock on hells door. why don’t you care, why you never but always there. i know iv done wrong but you keep draging it on to the point. look at this, look at what your doing….

Alone

myworldmylifeok — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:44:52 +0000

No one can see the pain that we hide,
They’re happy for us to keep it inside,
Our fear is our own; they don’t want to know,
Why sould we involve them; why should it show.

You live your whole life in confusion and fear,
The need to feel something unbearably near,
Half of you living, Half of you gone,
And inside you know what your doing is wrong.

The thing’s that can help, the thing’s that may heal,
Are the flame or the blade and the sting of the steel,
The destruction of skin means the death of your soul,
But there’s nowhere to run when your living alone.

by Mushi-No-Iki

Untouched

myworldmylifeok — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 13:16:57 +0000

I feel like blah to put it in a “nice” way, why do I always feel like this, why do I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lost and alone all the fcukin time, how I long to just to be held, to be wanted cuddled by some one instead of being just a bit of fun or hearing those words iv heard toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many times I see you as a friend or as a brother, am I that bad-looking and repulsive. im not looking for the L word theres no such thing every one these day are out to get what they can, I was born to late in to a world that doesnt care as the song go’s every time I even think of the H word what remains of my heart sinks to my feet, thats why and how I know im not ment to be .

we’re all given a task before we are born along with a date, my task I belive was to give a person the kid (s) she got told she couldn’t have, that day my first-born arrived was the time of my life and also the last. I wish I could explain in words how it feels to wake up and regret doing so and the first thing you hear is good morning you waste of space, I wish I could cry instead of weeping that in its self would be a mild relief so would stopping dreaming but like thats going to happen.

reading this back to myself just reinforces every thing, im not your typical lil boy, im a reject of life and that my life ended a lil over two years ago now so PLEASE the spiritual powers that be take me from this place or to the devil I will sell you my soul just name your T&C

myworldmylifeok — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 10:06:56 +0000

28-07-09..well to be honest i don’t know really were to start, I’m sat here and i don’t know what to do for the best..your playing next door again and all i want to do is give you the biggest cuddle and tell you i love you.
you look so sweet and Innocent and so naive to the world, i know if i go next door it would just coars an argument and that’s the last thing i want you to see, i really don’t want to hurt you both and i can see it is son and believe me its hurting me too.
I’ll always love you no matter what or were you are,i know it may sound stupid but i say good night and good morning to you each night and morning hoping in some strange way you can here me.one day soon i hope well be together again. I love you forever and always.

I’ll never escape this world alive

myworldmylifeok — Thu, 21 May 2009 09:58:55 +0000

Laid here wondering were the hell i am, i mean psychically i know were i am, im laid here in my own cell,a prisoner to myself.
mentally im stud on what remains of my world, my world that was onecs so vast and bright it appeared to be endless and now its no bigger than my feet, now surrounded by a vast ocean. The sky slowly started losing its color getting grayer and grayer and is now so black i cant see my hand in front of my face.
My legs are numb and i feel so weak i want to collapse, im deafened by the silence with the noise in my head. I ask myself how long can i go on like this, how much more can i take.