Alone

No one can see the pain that we hide,
They’re happy for us to keep it inside,
Our fear is our own; they don’t want to know,
Why sould we involve them; why should it show.

You live your whole life in confusion and fear,
The need to feel something unbearably near,
Half of you living, Half of you gone,
And inside you know what your doing is wrong.

The thing’s that can help, the thing’s that may heal,
Are the flame or the blade and the sting of the steel,
The destruction of skin means the death of your soul,
But there’s nowhere to run when your living alone.

by Mushi-No-Iki at deviantART

Untouched

I feel like blah to put it in a “nice” way, why do I always feel like this, why do I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lost and alone all the fcukin time, how I long to just to be held, to be wanted cuddled by some one instead of being just a bit of fun or hearing those words iv heard toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many times I see you as a friend or as a brother, am I that bad-looking and repulsive. im not looking for the L word theres no such thing every one these day are out to get what they can, I was born to late in to a world that doesnt care as the song go’s every time I even think of the H word what remains of my heart sinks to my feet, thats why and how I know im not ment to be      .

we’re all given a task before we are born along with a date, my task I belive was to give a person the kid (s) she got told she couldn’t have, that day my first-born arrived was the         time of my life and also the last. I wish I could explain in words how it feels to wake up and regret doing so and the first thing you hear is good morning you waste of space, I wish I could cry instead of weeping that in its self would be a mild relief so would stopping dreaming but like thats going to happen.

reading this back to myself  just reinforces every thing, im not your typical lil boy, im a reject of  life and that my life ended a lil over two years ago now so PLEASE the spiritual powers that be take me from this place or to the devil I will sell you my soul just name your T&C

28-07-09..well to be honest i don’t know really were to start, I’m sat here and i don’t know what to do for the best..your playing next door again and all i want to do is give you the biggest cuddle and tell you i love you.
you look so sweet and Innocent and so naive to the world, i know if i go next door it would just coars an argument and that’s the last thing i want you to see, i really don’t want to hurt you both and i can see it is son and believe me its hurting me too.
I’ll always love you no matter what or were you are,i know it may sound stupid but i say good night and good morning to you each night and morning hoping in some strange way you can here me.one day soon i hope well be together again. I love you forever and always.

I’ll never escape this world alive

Laid here wondering were the hell i am, i mean psychically i know were i am, im laid here in my own cell,a prisoner to myself.
mentally im stud on what remains of my world, my world that was onecs so vast and bright it appeared to be endless and now its no bigger than my feet, now surrounded by a vast ocean. The sky slowly started losing its color getting grayer and grayer and is now so black i cant see my hand in front of my face.
My legs are numb and i feel so weak i want to collapse, im deafened by the silence with the noise in my head. I ask myself how long can i go on like this, how much more can i take.

A kiss

I dare not ask a kiss,
I dare not beg a smile,
Lest having that, or this,
I might grow proud the while.

No, no, the utmost share
Of my desire shall be
Only to kiss that air
That lately kissed thee.

A wondering soul

Stuck here like this,no were to go and nothing around to see,flat empty and lonely.

I’ve been wondering for year’s,months,weeks and days with only myself to keep myself company.

The silence is so loud my head hurts,this grey world i travel means nothing to me but yet feels like home.

All alone with out even a birds song in the sky,i wish i could curl up and die

I’m traped here in my own hell a prisoner to myself,the days are long but the night are even longer as i rome searching for what ever it is i need to find.

A light appears in the not too far distance but i know it means nothing as it will soon disappear,as it as so many times before.

I turn my back and walk the other way,still searching for that elusive end.

So alone i must travel around this lonely place,imagining i will find some day that something to help me get out of this place

Merry Christmas

Its not a good time of year for me and now never will be.I got up this morning and didnt want to go down stairs..i could hear my family all haveing a good time and didnt want to put a downer on the day for them so i went for a bath.i hurd my sisters and ther kids go as i was getting out.

i went to the computer to check my e-mails and send one to the ex to say happy xmas to my kids…my dad called me for my dinner…it was the quietist meal ever…my mum and dad was trying there best to make me laught but i couldnt even manage a smile…i felt/feel  so out of place…they asked me what was wrong and i just told them im tieard…if only they knew…after all you cant tell your perants you need to die

i came back to the computer a while ofter and id receved a message from the ex :

am not telling the kids nothing they don’t deserve wot ur doing to them it’s just a gud job that we have gavin that loves us and wants us to b a feel family ur a plank big time. just leave us alone were happy together and getting married in august so get ready to sign the kids over to ney. just cos ur a shit dad don’t mean the kids have to suffer gavin wants to b there dad so do the best thing and leave us to it good bye

all i ever wanted was to be a dad…we went through hell trying to conceve are first…its not easy seeing the one you luved crumbeling and looseing the will to live hitting the bottel and beating me up coz she was stressed because she got told she couldnt have kids…all i wanted to do was make her happy by giveing her what she got told she couldnt have……im sorry iv got to go my best mates calling

Not Alone Anymore

Sitting alone…….
in my dark creepy room……….
and that abhorrent feeling
is eating my soul……………..

It really hurts
when you feel you are alone……………
still waiting..
for some one to come and knock your door………..
or even give you a call……………
still waiting..
for someone to help you through it all….
still waiting..
for someone who can prevent the fall of your soul………..

I cant understand
people anymore………..
and i have adesire
to crush them all……………

I want to fly to another palce
that is safe…..and warm……
where i can find a friend to tell me:
never frown……………
cause you are not a lone………anymore…

Time To Disappear

The time is here..and the end is near..i think its time for me to walk off and disappear.

This road i follow as come to an end..on any one else i can no longer depend.

this life of pain is all i know..from this life iv got to go.

To my friends who dared to care..i thank you all for being there.

Still Searching

tieard and weak i crawl..still searching for that elusive end..my body acks and my mind is wreak..cold and alone i stumble on What i know not..i feel a glimmer of hope in the shell you all call me..just waiting for its return.
i get to my knees..so frail and weak..too tiered to keep moving..slowly i creep still not knowing wot lays ahead..i can feel its presence lingering in wot ever shadows remain..not knowing when its going to strike.
i feel stronger with every step i make feeling better with each breath i take..the darkens seems to be changing in wot way I’m unsure..i can see a small shimmering flicker of light in the far away distance.
toward it i turn with a smile on my face..my heart is pounding and my mind is racing and thats when it strikes……my back starts to acke..iv got to keep moving and try make up as much ground as i can.

taking its time inching its way up my back to my neck..then BOOM!!! its back..i fall to my knees my head feels like its going to explode..because of the ringing in my ears..im back..back to this place i call home.
i hate it..but iv been hear so many times now..it must be home..i wouldn’t wish this hell you all call life on my enemy’s..i pray each day im taken to the next level..i wish each night my world would end.

i lift my head from hands..im blinded by the stars in my eyes..the light is fading fast….not again….my head falls and all that i felt as gone..this endless jurney is never ending but forward i must go..to the floor i crumble too weak to breath..i can only pray that these are my last breaths..my angels cant save me now..i feel sorry for then having an excuse for sperm donater like me.

i love them more then i love myself..more then wat my heartless body can handle..but even thats no anuff to keep me moveing any more..laying lifeless on the floor iv been hear too many times before..this is the start..this is my end.